Remember all of the first moments?

The first time you succeeded in riding your bicycle,

The first time in your life that you have ever tried learning how to swim,

The first time of you knowing how to read and write,
The first time, the first time..

The first time you fell in love.. Yes, your first love. Do you remember?

Was it the boy/girl who sat next to the window? Or was it the boy/girl who sat next to you? 

Me? He's the boy who sat at the back of the class. *chuckle*

Unfortunately, after 4 years of silently having a crush on that boy, I experienced another first moment of mine; the first time of me getting my heart broken. Haha.
P/S: Don't worry, I'm not going to be all cheesy wedges here. The significance of me telling that particular first moment is because, that is also the beginning of my turning point. 


Yes, turning point of my changes. 
(Aisehmen, belum cukup angel pun lagi sebenarnya. Hahaha)

...I was looking outside the window as I reflected on myself and what I had been through. Yes, very dramatic. Haha. I said to myself, "I never thought that loving someone would be this painful." Waiting wasn't easy, you know. Especially when you waited for 4 years and you ended up frustrated. 4 years was a long time, not to mention how long it felt like when you spent it, waiting. 


That was also the moment that I began to realized, "At the end of the day, only Allah stays with me. At the end of the day, only Allah who will endlessly and infinitely love me. Allah, just Allah. Allah will never hurt me, never. At the end of the day, He's the one who's still there, because He is indeed everywhere. And He never leaves. That is how much Allah loves me. But the question is, how much have I done for Allah, how much love have I offered Allah, what have I done for my love towards Allah? Nothing. I'm too occupied with my love towards human, I forgot that true love is indeed Allah. I was too busy waiting for someone, I forgot that Allah has been waiting for me all this time. If 4 years is long, imagine all those years that Allah has never given up on me, continue waiting for me. I forgot Him, I forgot. I forgot that above all, Allah should be  the first one, Allah should be on top of the list of our beloved."


I burst into tears.


Remember those moments when you did wrong and suddenly someone gave you a slap on your face? That's how I felt like. Felt like having a slap, a hard slap on my face. Because only then I began to realize that true love belonged to Allah.

The first time I got my heart broken, I felt so broken and lost. Mending my heart, trying to put my life back to pieces, only then I realized that the only one who can mend my heart was Allah and the only one who had given me purpose in life was Allah. I didn't live merely because of a guy's love, I lived because of Allah's love towards me. Life is a blessing, a gift from Allah. So, based on what reason should I be ruining that gift for someone else? Especially for someone who didn't stay for you whereas Allah's always there. It's not worth it.

Ever since that, I walked slowly towards Allah. Because I love to read, I began with teaching myself on reading religious materials. When in the past I only read English teen novels and sometimes, Malay novels (mostly, the cintan-cintun type. Hahaha). From someone who loved punk rock music (yes, it might be hard for you to believe), I began to teach myself to listen to nasyid songs, which I found so weird to my ears at first. Then, I trained myself to cover my aurah properly. I began wearing socks whenever I went out from the house. Because I used to feel very uncomfortable wearing it, so I started with the very thin socks and alhamdulillah, now I can wear even the very thick ones with ease. I used to feel uncomfortable wearing it, but now I feel uncomfortable NOT wearing it. Haha. Alah bisa tegal biasa whaaaattt?? Ehehe.


On top of everything, I'm still walking towards Him though. I always remind myself, "Never stop walking." The only moment when I should stop walking is the moment when I finally meet Him (inshaAllah), which is for sure in the Hereafter. People say, "Dream high!" So, I dream to meet Him. Because nothing is higher than Him. So what kind of dream would be higher than that, what kind of dream could possibly beat meeting Him? None.

Allah says, "Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you." (Hadith Qudsi)

Therefore, let's continue walking. One step at a time. Takbir! 

Learn to love Allah and you'll know what love is.